Spread it back on cuz we’re BACK

Okay, I’m sure I’ve lost any readership that I ever had by not blogging for an eternity (ahem I’m assuming the readership was VAST). But I’m BACK. I won’t blow the sabbatical bag with excuses for not writing, except that I got super busy with work and school and diverged to embark on other adulterous blogging ventures.
To kick off the return of Spread It On, I’m including an exciting all-in-one grab bag of a post. It includes: 1. Sonia Sotamayor name jokes 2. Tales of unemployment 3. A video of a small child who can really shake her ass.
1. Sonia Sotomayor jokes
-Sonia bribed Clarence Thomas for a Supreme Court nomination with a cherry Sodamayor.
-Sonia is from the Bronx and all her black homegirls drank tons of grape Sodamayor.
-Sonia was trying to lose weight so only drank diet Sodamayor.
-Sonia had clogged arteries from too much Sodiumayor.
-So she had to go see Dr. Pepper Sodamayor.
-Sonia got a stain on her judge’s robe, so she rubbed it out with Club Sodamayor.
-Sonia tells everyone she’s a Latino from the Bronx to play up her cultural identity, but she’s really a white girl from Sarasotamayor.
-Sonia’s first move as Supreme Court judge is to rule in favor of a law on free refills of Sodamayor.
-Sonia forgot her wallet at the ice cream parlor and had to give a blow job to the Soda-jerk-mayor.
-Sonia makes shitty cookies cause she always forgets the Baking Sodamayor.
-When she was a teenager, Sonia thought she wouldn’t get pregnant if she douched with Sodamayor.

2. Tales of unemployment
The bad economy has been a most useful excuse to lay around on my ass for the past month. I don’t feel bad about it either, because life without a job is absolutely joyful. People feel sorry for me because I’ve just spent 2 years and $36,000 getting my Master’s degree and I’ve graduated at a very unfortunate time economically. I take their pity. I tell them I’m trying my best not to be discouraged, that I know it’s not my fault employment opportunities are just not out there, and that I’m being as strong as I can be and avoiding focusing on the negative- like historically high jobless rates. I don’t tell them that I live in a blissful world where I don’t know what day it is. I go to the park, ride my bike, visit John in New Jersey, multiply my summer reading books, cook elaborate meals, watch too much TV, go to farmer’s markets, jump rope, go to the movies, listen to NPR, and engulf myself in hours-long Facebook binge sessions. If it were up to me, I’d never look back. But my lease is up August 31st and if I am still on the jobless wagon it’s back to my parents house I go. Buzzzzkillll… onto #3.

3. This little French girl has more hip fluidity than me, John “crazy legs” Boozeman, and Ricky Martin combined:

Give me an ego boost

Sometimes when I’m feeling down on myself, I enjoy taking a kickboxing class. Sure I feel good afterward because I get a good sweat, and I also indulge in pretending I am inflicting injury upon Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar while roundhouse kicking and upper-cutting. (Meet the Duggars: 17 Kids and Counting on TLC)
But this week after returning to class from a lengthy holiday hiatus, I figured out the REAL reason why kickboxing makes me feel so damn good about myself. In fact, it’s not really the kickboxing. It’s this particular class that’s made up of the most non-athletic uncoordinated goons. I love them for their enthusiasm and earnest efforts, but mostly I love them because they trip up on the simple combos and stop for water breaks more often than I do.
This ego boost is also why I stopped taking the impossibly hard 800 calorie burning, can’t-walk-for-3-days-after class at a different gym.
A simpler way to feel good about myself would be to watch this video repeatedly, which, has still not gotten old and will probably last me well up to Valentine’s Day. PLEASE do yourself a favor and watch this:

jersey moment

Something sweeps over me when I visit New Jersey. In no other setting than speeding up the Garden State Parkway would I indulge in singing along to Britney Spears ‘Womanizer’ at maximum volume. It’s a phenomenon worth investigating. I think it has something to do with the surprisingly loud bass in my honda civic. Or maybe I just like Womanizer.

Oh no she didn’t.

Snowwwww

Since living in the Northeast I’ve grown accustomed to the phenomenon that is people going CRAZY when there is snow in the forecast. Supposedly we are going to get about 5 inches by tomorrow, and that brings people around here 5 inches closer to crossing the line into bat-freaking-crazy.
Not to mention, I work at a news station which totally contributes to hyping up the storm with 24/7 weather coverage and swooshing sound effects and flashy ‘Winter Weather’ graphics.
During the winter, my job gets substantially more annoying because it was someone’s bright idea to forward the ’storm/school closings’ phone number to my phone during my shift. So I am responsible for posting on the tv screen and website all organizations that want to close..or delay.. or have a parking ban.. or delay the first shift by 2 hours and ban parking at 4:12 p.m., what????
I have spoken to countless Superintendents, church pastors, etc. etc. in the past few hours.
My favorite has been the old man who wanted to cancel a particular evening church service.
“Sir, I only have pre-set statuses to choose from, so I don’t have the option to type that in.”
“Oh oh alright then.”
“How about I just put, ‘Closed.’”
“No. How about you have it say that the tabernacle is closed?”
“No, ‘tabernacle closed’ is not an option in my drop down list.”
-silence-
“Okay just put closed then.”
-click-

I wish it was in my power to close tabernacles…

Pictures

So I posted this solely to post on another website that can only take hosted content. I don’t know this girl, I found it on google images. I figured I would just put it here cuz nobody reads this anyway. Then it got more visits in less than a day than anything we’ve posted in 6 months.

You’re a strange duck internet.

Therapy

Cat

episode 2

The clown and the harlot!

 

I am an animator! now.
Check out the site! Make your own movies.

When I was little

I used to hump the floor constantly.

Some things never change.

a letter to the internet part two

Internet,

You have bested me again.

John